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If you have lost a child....or any other loved one....you have probably had the experience of people making mindless comments to you. Their intentions are good, but the remarks just come out wrong it seems. I had people say things like..."well, I guess God just wanted him more", or...."everything happens for a reason....we just don't understand it...", or ....."it's not for us to question God's will". Even though these comments are usually well intentioned, the hurt they cause is indescribable. In the first few days or weeks of my grief, I was not well equiped to argue these positions, but now I am.....and I would like to express my views here. After all, this is MY homepage! :)

My understanding of God when I was a child was that he was all powerful, all knowing and all loving. As much as people told me that he loved me, I was still struck with fear by the "all knowing and all powerful" part! I pretty much decided that if he knew EVERYTHING about me then judging from what I had read of the Old Testament.....some day I would get my due!

I have given this subject considerable thought...and today my understanding of my Higher Power.....God....has changed. My son was sitting in the passenger seat when the boy that was driving, at a very high speed...under the influence....lost control of the car in a curve and smashed passenger side first into a railroad tressle. Michael was killed instantly. His best friend in the back seat died four days later. The driver escaped with minor injuries.

I don't believe that God goes around with his hands on steering wheels and his foot on the gas pedal. Some things happen because they are God's will, some happen because they are man's will....and some things happen for no damn good reason at all. My God does not approve of "unnatural" death. In fact, I believe that God was the first one to cry that night. (1)

God gives us all a free will here on earth.....the ability to make choices, to reap the benefits as well as the consequences of those choices. The driver made some bad choices that night....and so did Michael. I have a lot of gratitude today that I have a Higher Power that walks with me through the storm....and has carried me through the early days of my grief. He has also put some wonderful, loving, compassionate people in my life....to hold me and love me through the pain.

So.......if you want to help me in my grief....please don't tell me it was God's will. God had nothing to do with it! If you want to somehow help those that are grieving, perhaps you could get some suggestions (do's and don'ts) from Tom Golden's grief page. There are some great suggestions for you there.....just click here!

If you are interested in a more comprehensive understanding of this philosophy, you may want to read "When Bad Things Happen To Good People", by Rabbi Harold Kushner. I found it very interesting.

(1) From my pastor's (Dr. Rod Kennedy) eulogy